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THE SETTING. Imagine a low-slung natural wood conference center nestled in the cool grey-green mountains of northern California, surrounded by Harbin's healing hot springs. It is the Day of Atonement and the world's first Celebration of Sacred Sexuality conference is about to begin. I came as sacred sexuality student, apprentice-teacher, writer. I came as postmenopausal, bisexual woman, traveling without her partner(s), enabled to attend by signing up for dawn kitchen shifts to earn a discount on my fees. It was totally worth it to me to wake each morning at 5 to be able to be around so many teachers of diverse forms of sacred sexuality all in one place interacting together.
And so, on October 10th, I -- who have in earlier incarnations survived numerous NON-spiritual sex parties, practice tantric breathing and meditation, studied "sacred prostitute references from antiquity, and (most recently) co-led my own sacred sex group in Washington, DC -- hitched a ride out of Santa Rosa with my new friend, Jawala, one of the tantra teachers presenting there.
If all this is new to you, you may be wondering what I'm talking about, so let me explain. First, our bodies are sacred and so is sex or it oughta be. Second, considering how many of us are damaged by sexual violence, role expectations, ower imbalances and tensions between the sexes, it will take a lot of re-sacralizing, analyzing, negotiating, exorcism and healing to come to a better place and teaching people new approaches and ancient wisdoms can help this happen. Third, since we in this society are obsessed with sex, yet ashamed of it, there is very little opportunity to celebrate it without fear. Gatherings away from our everyday workaday life, gatherings in natural, comfortable settings among trained leaders, can make this healing and reclaiming of the spirit of our sexuality a lot easier. Through her Sacred Space Institute, conference organizer Dr. Deborah Anapol is nurturing her dream of reclaiming sex and spirit. There were problems I had with various attitudes expressed by some of the participants, and some of the things done, or not done, by the organizers, but all in all I was excited about the rare opportunity to help make ourselves and others more whole. The high ratio of teachers to novices was an especially exciting advantage. What follows is my totally subjective and partial survey of the events I attended, and some helpful suggestions for all those planning this and similar such events in future years.
OPENING NOTES SOUNDED. The conference opened with a Sacred Pipe Ceremony guided by Stephanie Rainbow Lightening Elk and Guy Lone Eagle. Deborah welcomed us, explaining the conference's origin -- inspired by a reunion of Rajneeshee folk, by a nun-organized Union of Sex & Spirit conference in New York City and a recent Earth & Spirit (environment and religion) conference. Her dream was "to create a Sex and Spirit conference which was not just a performer/audience situation as in NYC, but in which people could fully participate, or to create a conference on Earth, Sex and Spirit which embodies a consciousness of Eros as the force which connects us to each other and all of life." This is what she was working for, believing that, for many of us, polyamory and sacred sex are integrally related and enhance each other.
She outlined the ground rules -- respect each other, honor diversity, speak truth. She explained, "Unlike in the outside world where sex is considered private, sex here is a public matter. Here we don't need to honor the insanity that sex is only behind closed doors. It is OK to make love or to watch, but not to join in without invitation." Explaining that sex has been taken away from ancient priest/ess roles where women and men both become channels of powerful healing sexual energy, she asked those of us who identified as Sacred Prostitutes or Sacred Intimates to stand. At least half of us rose, recognizing each other as change-agents as we stood. The conference was a chance to sample many disciplines and paths, and to witness the interactions of diverse philosophies and approaches.
WHO CAME. Psychologists, chiropractors, nurses, counselors, ministers, and massage therapists mingled with tantra teachers, witches, sexual surrogates, erotic colonic therapists, rabbis, dancers, and magicians all came - and often these professions overlapped in one or more person themselves.
That first night tantra teacher Robert Frey led us in sufi-dancing. "I am the one bringing love to the earth," we sang, moving around each other, making eye contact with each other person int he room. There was much more evening entertainment, but I settled into my sleeping bag on the deck, setting my alarm for 5 am., visualizing the lovemaking murmurs and laughter around me as lullabies of a peaceful family.
WORKSHOPS & MORE. The conference continued from October 10-13 with two-and-a-half days of workshops, as well as plenary presentations and many performances such as erotic dance, snakedancing and worldbeat drumming. One could learn Tantric Harmonics, Sexual Energetics, Couples Ritual or Sex & Spirit Chi Kung, investigate Deep Merging & Healthy Boundaries, American Tantra, Jewish Tantra, Ipsalu Tantra, Communication Games for Lovers or Ejaculation Mastery for Couples and Magical Multiple Orgasms. The hot pool just outside the main house was host to several workshops; everything from Legal Issues for Sacred Sexuality Professionals to Creating Prosperity, and Aphrodisiacs & Herbs. Being a bit tantra-surfeited, I myself was particularly interested in the workshops from other traditions - including one presented by Oxun Olukan Al'aye, initiate priestess of Oshun, the West African/Yoruban Goddess of love; and Modern Sexual Magick: The Dance of Eros with Dr. Carlos Melendez and Lola Babalon. Of course both of these were concurrent. This bisexual had to choose. I chose the later and was swiftly swept up in a ritual from the Western Occult tradition, a Dance of Eros and Thanatos. What made this brief experience so powerful? I'm not sure but I know its conductors were two skilled amazing folk. They told us to "think of this working as a death and rebirth." Formed in a circle holding hands, we turned away from each other and curled fetus-like, each of us faced into our own loneliness and fears. Death came through us, was present in the room. Slowly, slowly, the rhythm and the energy changed and lightened. Lola flew around anointing people with love oil and we started dancing. Some people shed clothes, others didn't, some people interacted, others listened to their inner guidance more, some were feeling very passionate, others gentle and reflective. All these responses were welcomed and cherished. The circle was closed and opened and the experience was over all too soon.
CLOSING NOTES STRUCK. No neo-pagan traditions seemed to be represented in the program even though some of the women leaders from Church of All Worlds (the Green Egg publishers) and Reclaiming (Starhawk's ecofeminist wiccan collective) were there. Absent also were examples of the sacred sex traditions being developed by gay men, lesbians, bisexuals and transgendered people. The dominant heterosexual paradigm will have to relax more to be able to embrace same-sex loving and gender variance on a more equal plane. One barrier is the essentialist way American tantra has been represented, with more emphasis on the "separate"? And "distinct"? qualities of male and female that men and women embody rather than on how they intermingle within each of us. Are women by nature receptive while men are by nature more active? Or do we hold all of life's diversities within us? If so, where was the butch goddess or sweet brother-loving god, or at least the bisexual Loki or Coyote Trickster I longed for to make things less predictable? All the gods and goddesses were pretty much only parts of a predictable the whole. While the presenters talked about wholeness there were no alternate gender expressions modeled. I found myself longing for just one.
And what if one came to get laid ... and failed? Many did. There were no guarantees. However, next time, it might help if there were more focus on simple trust-building, ice-breaking, get-acquainted exercises, especially for those eager to meet new partners. Also, people of vastly differing experience attended. For some - public group sex rituals, spiritually-themed or note, were tremendously new. Yet there was not time set aside for orientation to help people acclimatize to what can sometimes be a high anxiety atmosphere. And, there was no teaching or modeling about safer sex, much less the other aspects of group sex etiquette. Most disturbingly, I sensed a cavalier and irresponsible attitude. "AIDS/STDs only happen to less-evolved folk. We don't have to practice safer sex (while doing sacred sex, duh) because we're beautiful, charmed, special people. We create our own reality." NOT!
While we talked all weekend about transcending boundaries and soaring above polarities it felt like we, as imperfect struggling humanoids poised on the turn of the century, kept lapsing back into these limits. Of course this is only to be expected, and I have no problem, IF we can learn from it. However, having lost many friends and lovers to AIDS I experienced the widespread lack of concern about safer sex as appalling, insensitive, inexcusable and certainly not Honoring of Our Dead, nor learning from them. Much less honoring of our own embodied forms. We have a lot to learn about what sacred really means, I think.
Nonetheless, this conference, in improved forms, must happen again and again and reproduce itself in gatherings around the world. I will do everything I can to help that happen as, I hope, if it evokes some of your dreams, will you. Deborah Anapol and the others who helped bring 120 happy people to Harbin Hot Springs for a weekend of sensuality, spiritual exploration and tasty organic vegan feasts deserve all the support we can give them. Though I have offered my critique in hopes of making future conferences like this even better, it must be made quite clear that this evaluation is offered with love and eagerness to attend future conferences that are better and better. We should recognize how delicate and difficult this dream of a culture-wide sexual healing is to bring to life, how many difficulties are inevitable, and how strong our hearts and vision must be to endure the steps necessary to make our loving sacred community reality.